CAUGHT
red-handed, the fate of your marriage now depends on how you handle your
spouse’s infidelity. Do you throw them out? Or you try to find a way to
forgive? It can
be difficult to imagine ever getting over the fact your partner
cheated.
Yet some
people find that they can give someone a second chance—particularly if there
are children to think about. So how do you know forgiving your cheating partner
is the right thing to do?
Dee Homes, a
counsellor working with a relationship support charity says she sees lots of
couples who come for relationship counselling after an affair. But she says
everyone is different when it comes to being able to forgive an affair. She
explains: Whether you can forgive or not depends on many factors: such as your
upbringing, any religious beliefs, as well as your own experience. For example,
if you saw your parents have an affair as a child that might make you decide
you can never tolerate that.” Dee says that some people come to counselling
after an affair, adamant they would never be able to forgive, but they are
surprised to find they could—and vice versa. “Some people might always said an
affair would be unforgivable, but they came to counselling because they don’t
want to throw away everything they’ve built or they want to keep the family
together,” she says. “There are other considerations such as splitting the
finances or selling a home that can make people calm down and consider working
at their relationship.” So if your other half has been unfaithful, how can you
decide if forgiving is the right cause of action? Again, Dee says it is down to
each individual. “First we have to ask what does an affair mean?” she says. “I’ve
met people who are more upset that their partner was texting or meeting another
person for lunch in secret, even if there was no sex. Others only consider an
affair is a true affair if there is sex involved.” People’s definitions of
infidelity are different—some find an emotional attachment more upsetting than just sex’ on one night.
Others cannot forgive sexual activity with another person. But if you do want
to work at staying together, can a ‘cheater’ really change? Ebierin, a
36-year-old industrial nurse doesn’t think so. “When I first got together with
Kingsley 12 years ago, I was just 24 and he told me he had lost his partner and
was now staying with his parents. He’d often stay over at my flat but didn’t
actually move in. I never saw where he lived. Two years later, I got pregnant.
Kingsley was forever disappearing for hours running one errand or the
other,”she said. “I was in labour in hospital when I learnt his ex-partner was
also pregnant. She was due just a month later than I was. I was in too much
pain and stressed about the baby to react. It was only days later, back at home
with the new baby that it hit me. He’d been cheating during the pregnancy and
had been staying at her place while we’d been together. I was furious and
upset. But he begged me to give us another chance because of our baby. I was
emotional and hormonal, so I agreed. “Two years later, we had another baby. But
he started disappearing again for hours. Then I found lipstick in his car and a
pack of condoms. I thought: ‘I’m not having this again’ and threw him out. A
few years later, I met my current husband. We now have a child and I trust him
completely. He’s never let me down. I tried forgiving an affair and it
backfired on me. Once a cheat, always a cheat.” Dee, however, believes that
cheaters can change, “But again it depends on the person,” she says. “Most of
us nowadays have the opportunity to have an affair. When people do cheat, it
can sometimes mean there have been other problems in the marriage before the
affair itself takes place. The key thing in being able to move forward as a
couple is to accept the stages of getting over the betrayal. It is natural to
feel anger at first. That’s stage one. Once that has passed, you both need to
be able to take responsibility—not for the affair itself but responsibility for
moving the relationship forward if that’s what you both want.” According to
her, an important consideration is allowing the wounded party to dictate the
terms. “Some people want all the gory details, others don’t want to know. But
it’s down to the victim of the affair to decide this and then they can work
through it before starting to rebuild the trust. For some, of course, it can
make trusting again impossible. They may want to check their partner’s phone
and the partner may not like that. Couples counselling can be useful to help
any couples who are serious about trying to get over an affair and stay
together.”
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