Relationships
never crumble in a day, it's a slow fade process and the signs are always clear
to the discerning. Often times we choose to ignore the warning lights and
clutch
at straws in the hope of salvaging what we once had. Psychologist and
behavioral expert Honey Langcaster James shares her advice on how to identify
if you’re involved in an unhealthy relationship dynamic.
1. Your
partner treats you much better in public.
Behind
closed doors your partner is either rude, grumpy, always busy, emotionally
unavailable or even overtly critical and hostile towards you, yet in front of
others or outside the home they treat you much better.
This
suggests that their image matters more to them than you do, and they know their
behavior towards you is wrong. They're treating you with disrespect when they
think they can get away with it.
2. You are
preoccupied by thoughts of whether your partner loves you and whether you can
trust them
Whilst some
people are naturally a little more insecure than others, if you find yourself
preoccupied and concerned about your relationship and whether your partner
cares for you enough it suggests you are not getting enough emotional
nourishment from your partner to help you feel safe and secure.
3. You find
yourself 'snooping' and going through your partner's messages
If you feel
overly suspicious and concerned that your partner might be hiding something,
but talking about things isn't enough to reassure you, then you may have a
trust problem within your relationship.
This might
be because of your own insecurity or it might be because your partner is not
being appropriately transparent and is giving you cause for concern.
4. You're
told you're too sensitive or over-dramatic
If you voice
concerns but your concerns are frequently invalidated, belittled or even mocked
as arising out of your own excessive sensitivity or over-active imagination
then this suggests your partner is trying to undermine your faith in your own
judgement and perceptions and places more importance on their own opinions and
judgements than yours. They may or may not have something to hide, but either
way, to undermine your sense of reality or lead you to question your own mind
is very damaging for you.
5. Your
partner frequently compares you to other women
If your
partner makes frequent comparisons between you and his 'wonderful' ex or
someone else perhaps, like his mother, or a friend's partner, saying that you
should be/think/behave more like them, then this is obviously damaging to your
self-esteem and sense of self-worth. Your partner should make you feel special,
wonderful, and should far more commonly highlight your strengths rather than
your weaknesses.
6. You feel
as if your partner might abandon you if you do or say something they don't like
If the
continuation of your relationship feels conditional, as if you'll be punished
or cast aside if you fail to measure up, then you will not be able to relax and
feel secure in your partner's presence and instead you'll feel like you have to
perform and keep them happy. This is an uneven power balance within the
relationship and it keeps you 'on your toes' working hard while your partner
holds all the cards.
Eventually
you'll end up exhausted or you'll put a foot wrong and you'll be rejected
anyway, despite your best efforts, because secretly it's likely that your
partner is either not willing, or is unable to genuinely love you.
7. When
something goes well for you, you get the sense your partner is not actually
pleased for you
If your
partner does not celebrate your successes with you it suggests they are
threatened by your development and growth and feel intimidated by it. Whereas a
true partner would be genuinely joyful about your success and you would be able
to feel their genuine glee and celebrate together.
8. Your
partner never apologizes, or only ever says 'Sorry, but…'
The mark of
a healthy relationship is one in which both parties are able to take
responsibility for their mistakes and try to repair and make amends. If your
partner never apologizes or only ever excuses their own thoughtless words or
actions then they are not truly appreciating their impact upon you.
9. Your
instincts tell you that something is 'off'
Sometimes
you can't put your finger on exactly what is going on in your relationship, you
just know that it's leaving you feeling unloved, insecure, suspicious,
confused, unfulfilled or simply uncomfortable. Try to figure out the exact
moments when you get that sinking feeling in your stomach or find yourself on
the back foot trying to work out what's going on. Trust your instincts, if
something feels wrong, then there's a good chance that it is, for you at least.
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